When Good Fruits Go Bad

The Dragon and the Star

2008-09-13T03:18:00.000-07:00

The dragon laying in his cave,
with yonder star his heart enslaved.
Diamonds and pearls and angel's hair,
with beauty far could scarce compare.
So the dragon flew as dragons fly,
away and up to the starry sky.
To join the star in sweet romance,
fleeting together in celestial dance.

Life and Love

2008-09-12T16:20:00.000-07:00

If you ever give your heart to me,
I'd keep it in a box.
And take my heart out too,
and keep it under lock.
So though sight may fail and body fade,
and times today may pass away.
Our beating hearts may together chime,
ticking down the sands of time.
In this precious space may ever hold,
the greatest story of love untold.
And when time itself may come to rest,
and life itself is second best,
then destiny and fate may close entwine,
and your precious love be ever mine.

Full Circle

2007-10-31T12:53:00.000-07:00

Its funny you know.. sometimes.. when you feel like talking about something.. but the situation somehow doesnt really work out the way you anticipated.. it kinda defuses the whole purpose of the intention in the first place. I wanted to blog about a little inspiration of truth that suddenly dawned on me.. but blogger took so damn long to sign in.. the inspiration was kinda diluted. Nonetheless.. i must speak my piece before i rest.. otherwise this revelelation might be lost to me for good. You know people are really interesting creatures.. they will forsake all sorts of things for something they truly believe in. Is it stupid? Maybe. Is it worth it? Who knows.. who cares even. Who cares.. I care. Am i the only one? I used to care. Screw it? Screw it. Damn. I still care. Damn me. How does a person feel like the world is so distant even when he's in the middle of it? How does the purpose of his being feel so unfulfilled even when he has everything? Love is a funny thing. It can make the wisest of men feel like a fool.. and the most astute of judges brook partiality. Damn me. Why me. Does it matter? It does to me. I think... maybe.. when it seems things are coming full circle.. the truth takes centre stage... Chance has come and gone.. now all thats left is Hope.. and Faith... and Truth.. and Love.. and the Beauty of a memory.. Full circle? Yes.. all things have come full circle.. Now all that is left.. are those.

The Circles are Closing

2007-09-15T12:46:00.000-07:00

I don't know if anyone reads here anymore, but it doesnt matter really. Thinking back to when i started this little blog... so many things have changed. Life sure is beautiful. Now that im going over to London for a year or so.. i have begun to look at things anew.. like a person whose life is ending.. but granted the grace to set things right before the end. I realised in my life that i have not really shown much appreciation for all the people around me... that perhaps one of your utterances were indeed true. But im glad i have been given this period of grace to set things right. Everything exists in constant dynamism, because we take for granted the time we have to see things through. But as the end approaches.. sometimes maybe regret for things both done and undone set in. That is why i feel fortunate to be given such a chance to realise this so early.. and the time in which to close these circles of my life. Friends. Family. The people who have entered my life.. one way or another.. though none of you may read this.. i want to thank all of you for everything you have done for me.. and i want to apologise for all the times i have not been able to provide you what i could.. one way or another. I wish every one of you all the best in life.. and til we meet again. Take care, God bless and have fun.

Cheerios! =)

Destiny awaits

2007-04-12T21:10:00.000-07:00

Swept away by a storm of my choosing
Into the heights i fly
To touch the stars and heavens
above the endless sky

Seventh Heaven

2007-04-11T22:21:00.000-07:00

Its such a nice place. =) Unfortunately, the time which i can remain there is transient. Sigh. The mountain came, and was conquered. With ease. I have to look for more mountains to climb, and more challenges to overcome. Perhaps, I think to myself, one day i'll climb a mountain to heaven. And finally get to remain there. Free... without the shackles of this mortal coil. Ah....

For now though, I'm at a major crossroads in my life. I wish that perhaps i knew 5 years ago what i knew now, that i could have come to this crossroad earlier, instead of wasting those years wandering in the waste. But i guess the worst kind of regret is not for what you did, but for what you didnt do. So many things left undone, yet so many other things achieved. Would i have traded what i have now for what i could have had? That's a very hard question to answer. Mebbe with hindsight in yet another 5 years i will find the answer. For now, all i can do is continue walking. Which way though? Which way...

Its almost time.

2007-01-19T09:34:00.000-08:00

Within the next 3 months, i will go through what will probably be the hardest yet the most exhilarating part of my university life. They say that there is always a lull, a period of utter and complete silence, before a storm breaks. Now is that lull. Have i prepared myself? Yes. In all the ways i could. Am i ready? That i really don't know. Perhaps i need more convincing. Perhaps i need to believe more. To trust in something utterly and completely beyond my control. In the end, i can truly look back and say that i have truly given my all for this. Whatever the consequences. Now all i need is some convincing. To convince myself that indeed i have chosen the right course. More so, i need to find companions to walk with me on this road less travelled, who are willing to shoot for the stars with me.. The strength of one is not enough.. The further i proceed along this path, the less people i see around me.. and the more people i see falling by the wayside, having found a place on this road where they are content to remain. I cannot.. not because i do not want to.. im very tired already.. but because the destination i see is far more beautiful than anything that i have come across on this road.. So i willingly plod along, waving goodbye to my happy friends i leave behind.. and just keep on walking.. hoping at least to catch a glimpse of the destination i started towards when i finally reach my journey's end..

Resolution of relativistic probabilities

2006-12-27T20:51:00.000-08:00

After days of probabilistic chaos, all wave functions have again collapsed back into a more or less stable probabilistic state. Life so strange, it seems like we are given an infinitude of choices, yet when we scrutinise it closely, these choices are bounded by a certain set of rules, which severely limits the number of possible outcomes arising from these choices. Upon even further scrutiny, i realised that these rules are comprised of two main variables, time and space, in which the predictive function of many situations are affected by our relative positions in them. The difficulty lies not only in knowing exactly where our location is in this space time contiuum, but also the many numbers of entities and their corresponding locations in the diaspora. An additional layer of complexity is created by the constant movement of these entities through this reality soup. I don't know for a certainty whether such rules really govern the state of reality as we know it, but every day is a revelation. Every day we can observe such mechanisms at play. Now if only i could lift myself above the fray, it would be much easier for me to observe such relationships and better understand them. But that would mean i won't be able to get involved in all these interactions. Life would be rather boring.. hehe. But for all i know, there are probably an infinite number of layers of determinants of life, the universe and everything. But i guess this is a pretty good start. Now, if only i could see better..

Letter to a friend

2006-12-26T02:56:00.000-08:00

Dear friend,

-matter edited-

I'm a friend, as much a friend as any friend can be. Whether or not you trust me is really up to you. I won't force you to make a decision, because i believe in freedom of choice. I won't promise you the world, all i can promise you is my friendship, that no matter what happens, whatever choice you should make in life, i should be ready to stand beside you. That is my promise. But for now, matters are taken out of my hands, because i have already done what i feel is right and best, and that now i will take a step backwards. Because for now, its your move.

Eugene

Life is Strange

2006-12-24T11:26:00.000-08:00

Life is indeed strange. The webs of connection between all people, and the reverberations resulting from a root cause affects all connected to it. Knowing too much can sometimes be a pain, and being too sensitively tuned to these vibrations is not always a good thing. For every action, there is a requisite equal and opposite reaction, for every cause there is an effect. But yet, sometimes when too many variables are thrown into the fray, chaos ensues. Chaos, as a matter of theory, is not a purely random state. Rather, it is a disordered state of events arising from more or less predetermined structures. I think perhaps i have overestimated my abilities and underestimated the strength and possibility of the vibrations emanating from certain recent actions. Now all that can be done would be to allow the infinite threads of probability to collapse back onto a more stable state. Or will free will play a part? Will an active force exerted on these threads aggravate the diversification of probabilites, or will it channel these forces into a predeterminable state?

Only God knows.

Equilibrium Shift

2006-12-22T11:55:00.000-08:00

Strange things happen. Certain external forces have disturbed the stable equilibrium again, and now the system has been thrown into chaos. Will the system move back into equilibrium? Or will will there be an equilibrium shift? The change came like a bolt from the blue, seemingly totally and utterly random, but perhaps it was a reverberation effect downstream of a simple cause from some time in the past. Very strange, yet so very interesting. Its usually been my practice to halt these equilibriums shifts, or to try to slow down the process, not least due to some resistance to change on my part. Troublesome. This time, i think, i will follow through this reaction to full completion. Perhaps the final result will be an optimal one. Somehow, the conditions of this reaction seem to so close to perfection that it seems almost premediated. Perhaps thats why i'm willing enough to sacrifice what is most precious to me, my time, to tend to this particular equilibrium shift, rather than simply utilising the laws of quantum physics to do my work for me. This time. I will make it happen.

Truth is..

2006-12-06T11:00:00.000-08:00

Hi all!

At the time of posting (which is now), i happen to be slightly high. Exams just over and i just came back from mambo night at zouk. My friends drank quite a huge bit and ended up slightly les than sober, in which case they happened to puke all over the dance floor. As it is, it wasnt a very happening zouk experience for me, but i wouldnt say it wasn't an eventful one. i learnt that true frens dun give a shit about rowdy behaviour and vomit, and it kinda reminded me of the time where i did the same. haha. Thank God for friends. I met many many people there who it seemed decided to go choing on the same day which i happened to as well. From all walks of my life it seemed. JC frens, army frens, uni frens, freshies, seniors, all were there. Wad the hell. Despite my less than sober state, it reminded me that friends can indeed be found everywhere.

This post might be less than coherent, but i am recording this down for posterity's sake, for under the lack of inhibition from consumption of alcohol, i might finally record some element of truth .

Whatever INTP means

2006-11-21T01:58:00.000-08:00

You Are An INTP

The Thinker

You are analytical and logical - and on a quest to learn everything you can.
Smart and complex, you always love a new intellectual challenge.
Your biggest pet peeve is people who slow you down with trivial chit chat.
A quiet maverick, you tend to ignore rules and authority whenever you feel like it.

You would make an excellent mathematician, programmer, or professor.

What's Your Personality Type?

Pretty much sums me up. Didnt expect a personality test to be this accurate though. Hahaha.

Poet's Lament

2006-11-05T07:27:00.000-08:00

Tonight. I look up to the stars and wonder
if there's anything out there for me
To give everything my all,
or to just let it be
All the slings and barbs of outrageous fortune
and all the sea of troubles
Will all turn to nought
if only you are with me.
But for all my time of sorrow
and all my years of pain
all it takes is one little word
to bring it back again
If it takes forever
i would swear this now
If it costs my life, my soul and my sanity
to you i make this vow
To be a man to you
And you a woman to me
Even if it breaks me
still i would walk in faith
You and me forever
through all eternity.

A Matter of Choice

2006-10-02T12:17:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it takes something extraordinary for you to appreciate the ordinary. There are many many things which i have taken for granted, and i do sincerely regret doing so. Always the tendency to stray. Even when a path has been set, somehow i always find a way to stray from it. From no compulsion of external force whatsoever, but a conscious internal choice. Why? I wonder. Will i find an answer that is true? That is not simply an excuse to justify my actions? Pathetic. If i cant even exercise self restraint over my thoughts, words and deeds, then i am just pathetic. Weak. Incapable of things beyond my self. I have been found guilty many many times, with myself as judge, jury and executioner. But everytime i plan to follow the right path, i find myself straying. Not a simple or gradual deviation from a straight path, but one completely tangential, random and unplanned. But the cycle continues.

The Intention governs the course of action, and more fundamentally, the rightness or wrongness of an action, no matter the action itself. Wisdom is one guide of intent, and yet delusion is another. Then again, greed and sheer stupidity are yet others. And even with the fear of falling, i willingly fall, not because i want to, but that i made a choice to. And yet, fallen, i seek to climb back up again. And round and round the circle goes. Reason on one hand, and faith on the other. But yet wisdom is nowhere in sight. And there is no principle of equivalence. However long one spends moving forward, it takes only one move to go backwards again. And yet, despite the futility of it all, we still press forward. I still press forward. How many times will this happen again? That's a matter of choice truly.

In Another World

2006-09-30T11:52:00.000-07:00

I spent the past few days of my life in another world, following the adventures of Drizzt the drow and his companions. Guenyvwhar the panther, Bruenor Battlehammer the dwarf, Cattie-Brie his adopted human daughter, Wulfgar the barbarian and Regis the halfling. Insomuchas (cool word innit?) i was sitting in my own room, i was with this band of adventurers ever step of their journey, battling orcs and goblins and kobolds, intriguing with assassins and theives, confronting shades and demons, sharing their thoughts, their dreams, their hopes and their fears. Now i feel so familiar that they would be akin to old friends. I was never one to indulge in fantasy, of these novels describing lands and realms beyond my ken, prefering ever to keep within the bounds of the realistically possible. Science fiction, though no different, to many, perhaps in terms of its ties to reality, I could fathom as it required simply an extrapolation of current reality. Fantasy, however, seemed an alternate reality. Nevertheless, the story of Drizzt and his friends kept my mind so engaged that all i did these past three days was read. The only concessions i gave were to the basic human necessities. No novel, or should i say, no endeavor has kept me so engaged as did these adventurers, the main character, Drizzt in particular.

To me perhaps, he epitomised the ideals i sought for, that i fought for in life. To be perfect in mind, body and spirit, to fight for what is good and right, and to protect my friends and my family. Some, i know, might question the sanity of putting so much weight into what is obviously fictional, the character which is Drizzt and the world which he inhabits, is but the creation of another mind. Indeed, such a character does not exist, as certainly as his world does not exist in our reality, but the ideals which he upholds echo so strongly in my own consciousness that i cannot ignore them. It's surprising how a simple ideal, encased, no, enshrined, in a simple novel could evoke as much emotion and as much thought. And perhaps more importantly, it reminded me of a truth which i have never denied but yet never quite believed. Thank you Drizzt Do'Urden.

Let it Be

2006-09-22T11:32:00.000-07:00

When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree,
there will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see,
there will be an answer. let it be.

Let it be, let it be, .....

And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light, that shines on me,
shine until tomorrow, let it be.
I wake up to the sound of music, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be, .....

Null and void

2006-08-20T09:54:00.000-07:00

Previous entry deleted due to grossly inappropriate content.

New entry

Everythings good and fine and chummy all round.

Went for night cycling yesterday. Travelled from home to east coast to lau pa sat to newton hawker centre to lavender hawker center to hoo seng food centre to blk 85 to changi village and back to east coast. am i tired? darn right i am. did i have fun? darn right i did. i learnt something in the process too. Denial is one of the best forms of motivation. darn right it is.

Self censorship.. i'll have to think about it.

Do unto others

2006-08-17T11:16:00.000-07:00

I think i am too judgmental for my own liking. Dunno how come though.. I've tried to look at things more objectively and not jump to silly and illogical conclusions about people and situations.. but i always find myself falling into the trap of making these filtered and biased perceptions. What i am wondering tho is if such behaviour is normal? Although i tend to be pretty accurate most of the time, its the times where i fail to see the full picture that irks me. Everything can be deduced or predicated from close analysis of any situation.. the only variable.. and the hardest to predict.. is human nature. Sometimes i would like to know people better in general, but i know at the back of my mind that it is impossible.. People present so many different faces.. is it possible at all to sift through to the real person at the end? Not that i'm complaining but i'm wondering why people bother with hiding their true selves at all? Are we all so imperfect and hideously and fundamentally flawed that we are actually ashamed to acknowledge our own existence? What has gone wrong here? Or am i now jumping to conclusions again based on my own warped perceptions? Perhaps i am not yet wise enough to understand.. sigh.

OH! and coming to the topic of wisdom.. i had an interesting thought. Wisdom and its counterpart folly both exist in an equilbrium and are mutually exchangeable. We gain wisdom through folly and yet we commit folly through wisdom. Perhaps one would argue then that wisdom which leads to folly would not qualify as true wisdom.. but then who is to quantify wisdom, and whether its true or false? Are we then condemned to a life of folly then? I read that wisdom chooses those who seek her, but would leave to doom those who lose her. How then should we seek to gain wisdom.. and more so.. how do we retain her? Perhaps someone could enlighten me?

Back for good

2006-07-06T10:12:00.000-07:00

I'm back. Yepz. After a long lull. I'm back. here. Well the reason for my ultra long absence was because i was having wayy too much fun in my real life than i could get from a virtual one. Orientation period's starting again! I really thrive on all the fun, games and laughter which is so characteristic of the orientation period. Yeah yeah.. some of you might ask if im a little too old for this sorta stuff already.. But oh wellz.. thinking about spending the rest of my working life in a lab or an office has really strengthened my will to have as much fun as i can right here, right now. Unrealistically, im hoping to forever stay in this moment. Shrugz. People, friends, just having the time of their lives.. if only it could remain this way.

I also told myself something recently, and that was to finally let my old self go. I think if i had known six years ago what i had known now.. probably many things would have been different. But then if i had never expereienced these years for myself, i probably wouldnt have become the person i am today, and remained that person i was before. And i would probably have also have realised too late to change. But then.. thats life. I wish sometimes to have the best things in all the world, but when i do think about it, i realised that perhaps i already do... Its funny how things tend to work out sometimes. =)

With great power comes great responsibility

2006-05-15T11:28:00.000-07:00

-excerpt from the Singapore Entertainment Act-

EXEMPTED ARTS ENTERTAINMENT WITHOUT CONDITIONS
No licence is required for the following arts entertainment activities:

a. any arts entertainment organised or sponsored by the Management Committee of the Kreta Ayer People's Theatre and held in that Theatre;
b. any exhibition organised in the Electricity Efficiency Centre operated by Power Supply Ltd;
c. any performance organised by the Esplanade Co. Ltd. in any place to which the public or any class of the public has access, with or without payment;
d. any performance organised by The Old Parliament House Ltd (aka The Arts House) in any place to which the public or any class of the public has access, with or without payment;
e. the playing of live-band music provided at weddings held in HDB void decks or along the roadside in non-HDB areas (including those held in the compounds of private houses);
f. the playing of live-band music provided at funerals;
g. any arts entertainment provided at any S-League football match.

Give me a reason..

2006-05-10T10:39:00.000-07:00

Just got back from chalet. Went to sleep early at 930pm but was very unfortunately woken up by fiona xie's super te voice on tv. some travelling show where she goes around bothering some mainland chinese shopowners and stuff. ah well..

now i cant sleep. For more reasons than one. crap. so many worries on my mind. even school is not so stressful. sometimes even when you try your very best, things just don't seem to happen the way you think it should. not that i'm complaining, cos good things do happen to me, at quite a good regularity too. i'm just blogging out some pent up frustrations. today was a good example. i tried to organise a recce, but the relevant ppl (some of them at least) decided that their time was better spent sleeping, going out, not checking emails, not replying to smses/phone calls, etc.. just because it wasnt under their charge. i mean.. friends are friends yes.. but when work needs to be done, i expect full commitment from every single person. sigh. am i being too much of a slave driver? All i'm doing is trying my best to make things good for everyone.. oh well.

certain events that have transpired over the past few days have led me to seriously rethink my actions, especially towards others. as i get older, i find myself being less and less open about my true self, seeking ever more often to hide behind a facade of false words and actions. i dont like it. if this is part of growing up.. i want no part of it. all i ask for is to be able to see others as they really are, and to be towards them as i really am. is that so difficult? all i want is to sit under the cloudless sky, to feel to gentle caress of the breeze on my face, and bathe in the gentle warmth of the moonlight. All i want is to be able to count the stars, to hear the crickets sing, to feel the morning dew on my skin. all i want is to wake up to the glory of the morning sun, to touch the clouds as they whisper by, to watch the birds as they swoop around the endless sky. So free...

Give me a reason to live.

He's got the whole world in his hands

2006-04-27T07:48:00.000-07:00

Today, something happened which neednt have, but did anyway. Should i question why it happened? I was very happy that it happened though. Is it God's hand? Heh. I really do think so. The probability of this occurence was something exceeding my wildest expectations. But it happened anyway. I think i did what i should, and am contented with what i have done. Only one thing i lament though, that the time of its happenstance was so transient.

When nothing exists without, could something thus exist within?

Perhaps, perhaps. And perhaps yet again.

I would have liked to theorise how such improbabilities might occur, but am too in awe to even attempt to do so. To those people who categorically deny that such things could happen, i can only reply "Oh yes they do."

What is Truth?

2006-04-18T11:25:00.000-07:00

I have the answer.

But unfortunately.. i'm not going to tell you just yet.

=)

Reflections

2006-04-17T09:44:00.000-07:00

Well.. after i posted.. i was in a somewhat pensive mood and decided to go on a tour of blogs of people i knew, flitting from one blog to another, from people I knew well, to people I knew and to people i hardly knew at all. Somehow.. there seems to be a common trend in all the blogs i've seen. Everyone seems to be suffering. The inner torment is evident in the strong emotions that line their entries. These differ so greatly from the usual fare i have grown somewhat accustomed to that i was moved to write this entry. The heartwrenching lamentations of those lonely souls were really too much to bear.. It is such a strange thing... considering this group of people know each other and see each other almost every other day. Why then do they feel such an intense pang of loneliness and isolation, of a level of such sharp contrast to their daily behaviour????? Dammit. I don't understand. Perhaps i've been too emotionally protected to understand.. but one thing i know is that these things should never be allowed to happen!! No one should ever have to be alone! I will do what i can, and i will do what i must, but if i cant even understand them, how can i help them??

God grant me the Strength to walk the path
Wisdom to know the way
And Faith to keep to it.

Equilibrium State

2006-04-17T05:29:00.000-07:00

Finally things have come to this.. the equilibrium state. However one might put it, neutral point, stalemate, deadlock, this is the immortal game in its entirety. Only when both sides remain passive can the equilibrium be mantained, any move would bring the demise of the one that moves first, and also to the detriment to the one that does not, for although in theory the one that remains passive wins the game first, but both are losers when one considers the destruction of infinitely refined beauty crystallised in the equilibrium state, where both are winners. Just as an addendum, the immortal game is a famous stalemate in chess. =)

So then, how might one resolve this? Logically thinking, there are 3 choices.

1. Make a move and lose

2. Wait for opponent to move and win

3. Offer a draw

The most observable difference between chess and real life is that in chess, the players take turns to move. So in the equilibrium state, the player whose turn unfortunately falls within that state is forced to make the move and break the equilibrium state, and lose the game. In real life however, such a rule does not apply, so the equilibrium state could be broken by any player. The similarity between both examples is that the game could proceed on indefinitely as long as no move is made. In chess, a time limit for each game is usually specified to avoid such a scenario, and hence to decide an ultimate winner. In real life too, there's a time limit, enforced not by a tangible timepiece as in chess, but of something else. But since we aren't immortal, playing a waiting game is not possible indefinitely. Hence, the perfect solution to the problem, both to mantain the beauty of the equilbrium state, as well as for the benefit of both players, would hence be to forsake the game.. and begin a different one.

Forever's too long to wait.

Making of a Man

2006-04-12T09:11:00.000-07:00

Faith is his armor
and Courage his shield
On his forehead seats Wisdom
Truth is his spear
and Love is his sword
Humility he wears around his loins
On his feet are Steadfastness and Haste
And on his shoulders he wears Peace as a cloak.

Interval

2006-04-12T08:48:00.000-07:00

Its one of those times again. Where i seem to have absolutely nothing to do. Not that there isnt anything, but nothing really consequential really. Now seems to be the period where everyone is scuttling around, trying to rush reports, term papers and also to mug for the upcoming final exams. But its the very same period where i feel the most free and unhassled. Guess i'm pretty out of sync with the rest of the NUS population. Sigh. Or perhaps all that shit i put myself through has paid off somehow, in desensitizing me to lesser hardships. Well.. if it has, then i have achieved my initial objective. But greater challenges await me in the coming year, and even further on this path that i have chosen. Hopefully all this training i have put myself through is sufficient for me to tide through these obstacles, which are but minor compared to the final mountain i know i must climb in the far distant future.

Option A

2006-04-04T05:06:00.000-07:00

Well.. i decided to be slightly more.. hmm how should i put it.. docile? passive? unselfish? hahah today and try Option A. The result was as predicted, harmony was the result. But it was bad for me. It was as if i tied up my own hands and jumped into a lava filled pit where the only way out was to climb. Hurting is bad enough, and not being able to do anything about it is worse, but the fact that it is self inflicted must make me the dumbest person on earth. Truly, this option defies logic, but its consequence only applies to me, as it brings greater good to my surroundings. It totally goes against the grain of my nature. Does it mean i'm naturally selfish? Yeah sure it does. I admit that freely and openly. But it is also due to my unquenchable need to fight for everything that means something to me. When i find something worth fighting for, i stick with it to the end, no matter the cost, and no matter what other people might say or think. Well.. perhaps i'm just an obstinate pig who lets passion cloud the truth. Hahaha..

In any case, I really don't know how long i can endure Option A. It was a choice I made once before, and man did i suffer for it. But this is where uncertainty steps in. Will history repeat itself? Or was that just due to circumstance?

But perhaps once again i have let passion cloud the truth and all this thought is for naught? The unpredictable world is such an interesting place! =)

To be a Man

2006-03-30T06:02:00.000-08:00

Today i made option b. The 'right' option. But with a pinch of option 'a'. Seems to me that these options were not as clear cut as i put them.

Well.. option 'b' (with pinch of 'a') yielded rather strange results. It was both good and bad at the same time. Just as i feared, strife was inevitable. Fortunately, it wasn't too bad. Hmm. Today i feel pretty neutral again.. which is NOT a good sign. Mebbe its becoz i'm a little tired. And i'm in one of my thinking moods again. =)

Just thought of a question. Why is our world structured such that the arrow of time goes forward? Makes life so unpredictable. Haha.. silly question. Hmmm.

Life really is unpredictable... If only one could peer below the surface and see how it works.. It would save a lot of trouble. heh. well.. that was a classic response from the machine of the logical mind. I'm thinking that perhaps it is unpredictable to allow for the more emotional and spiritual aspects of human nature to surface. Nothing is ever as it seems and everything changes with each second. It really is an interesting phenomenon.

Yesterday night i asked God what path i should take. You know what he told me?

Be a man. Be the man.

Days of our Lives

2006-03-29T04:57:00.000-08:00

In life, we are faced with many situations. And in these situations, we are faced with many choices.
When we make a choice, we try as best to make it such that it would be for the best possible result. However, a conundrum arises.. is the best possible result then the right one? It is a question which has been bugging me for quite a while now. If both possibilities are within your reach, which choice should you make? Or should one make a compromise? Or perhaps even no choice at all?

Well.. i've learnt that apathy leads nowhere. I made a decision never to be apathetic again, and it was a choice borne of the 'right' thing to do. Therefore, i would fight for everything that means something to me.

Which leaves me three options. Best, right, or compromise?

For the best situation, natural harmony would be achieved.
For the right situation, strife might occur, but it would be the proverbial 'right' thing to do.
For a compromise, harmony would be maintained, but only for an inscrutable time.

Well.. if i were to take a hard line on these choices..
The best option smacks of cowardice
The right option smacks of selfishness
and the compromise smacks of indecision.

So wad should it be?

Stayed tuned for more updates.. after these commercials. =P

Thanksgiving

2006-03-27T04:53:00.000-08:00

Finally. It has ended. The pain and suffering has decided to take a sabbatical. For how long, well.. i don't really know. But for now.. life's simply a dream. The mounting pressure drew itself to a climax yesterday, and i'm glad to say that things have turned out pretty alright. For now. Suddenly, my mind is again clear, at least for this transient moment, without the accumulated weight of stress and worry steadily building up over the past year. Well.. i don't know if its appropriate to swear and thank God at the same time, but right now i must say i feel pretty damn good. Truly, I am blessed.

Thank you Lord.

For the sky and the sea
For the birds and the bees
For the winds and the breeze
For the flowers and the trees
For the clouds and the rain
For pleasure and pain
For night and the day
For tomorrow and today
For the Sun and the moon
For midnight and noon
For the stars up above
For the life upon the earth
and finally..
Thank you Lord for my friends
who have made me more than i am.

Story of a soul

2006-03-22T04:27:00.000-08:00

A gentle stirring of the waters
Undercurrents of motion
Its calm belies
the raging within
Where oceans meet
and seas enjoin
the most tumultous
yet the tamest
The abyss is deep
yet the sky is deeper
Where there is darkness
light survives.
But where there is light
darkness dies.

..and confusion a state of mind

2006-03-21T05:37:00.000-08:00

..when eyes start looking sidewards, fingers pointing at your back, and whispers rather than speech abound. When friends begin to suspect, and enemies begin to gather. Where a cloud of suspiscion hangs over your head and your vision impaired. This is the essence of confusion.

The human mind has a way of constructing its own sense of reality. Be it an accurate depiction of reality or not, a confused mind can never tell. Therefore, when one is confused, do not be quick to judge, and do not be brash in opinion. For in action and word one may hurt those nearest to him. Wait then, for confusion to pass, but before delusion can set in, before making your decision.

Dear Chenhong, this post was written as much to answer your question (why don't you have a comments page/tagboard/guestbook?!?!) as for my own self. Honesty might be the best policy. But not everyone is honest. =)

Fear is a condition of the heart

2006-03-20T06:31:00.000-08:00

For the longest time, i have never been afraid of anything. Now i am suddenly afflicted with it. Fear is not a condition i am used to. Why have i suddenly become so afraid? Wad has happened that has suddenly penetrated my shield of invulnerability? I cannot understand. I don't understand. Fear has always been attributed to as one of man's weaknesses, a vestige of the brute before and the brute within. Living my life as a deeply logical thinker, i have never been exposed to fear of such a primal nature. I once read a book which taught me how to control my thoughts and my emotions. It said that when a person feels certain emotions, such as happiness, anger, joy, sadness, guilt, disappointement, even fear, one can first learn to control it by immersing oneself in the wholeness of the emotion, then slowly letting it go.. bit by bit. But fear of such a nature i have not experienced for such a long time has rendered it immensely difficult to place under control. Which is perhaps i decided to blog about this. Don't worry my friends, i am okay, just needed a place to get this weight off my chest. Blogging is remarkably therapeutic. Haha.. =)

Well.. i think things will turn out fine in the end. As always.

Cheerios people! =)

Chasing after the wind

2006-03-17T05:18:00.000-08:00

Today was a strange day. Sometimes the most unexpected things can occur when one least expects it. But is it real? Or am i chasing after the wind? Well.. even if its the wind.. i'll still catch it. Because this time.. giving up is not an option.

I was kinda being rather holy the past coupla days and was scrutinizing Bible texts. In the texts was a section entitled Book of Wisdom, apparently written by King Solomon, wisest of all man. In this text he wrote about life and society in general, and how one should live a life. Being really wise and apparently fully in control of himself, he purposefully put himself through a series of tests, to learn more about the darker side of the human spirit. He indulged in vices of all kinds, from food to drink to women, and in the end came up with this conclusion. That all life, good or bad, saint or sinner, driven or idle, was merely an illusion, as futile as chasing after the wind. That really struck a deep chord with me, and i asked myself if life was really as he said, merely chasing after the wind. Being all wise and knowlegable, he would definitely be the foremost authority on this. But i reminded myself that Man is not merely a creature of intellect, but also endowed with a spirit. Hence, for all his wisdom, i think that King Solomon, though he be wisest of men, was wrong. Indeed, a logical mind might deduce the futility of chasing after the wind. But the spirit is not bounded by the finiteness of the mind. It will not only assert the possiblity of chasing after the wind, it WILL catch it in the end.

No doubt about it. Here i come.

Ass Kickin!

2006-03-15T07:51:00.000-08:00

Wow.. its a record number of postings in a short period of time by me. Lolz... its not that i'm suddenly free or something... lets just say that my eyes have been opened. HAHAAHAH.. take a look at this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zzul4m-LSJI&search=snl

American Pi

2006-03-14T09:03:00.001-08:00


This left me speechless. Knowing math majors really opens new
perspectives.


"Probably no symbol in mathematics has evoked as much mystery,
romanticism, misconception and human interest as the number pi."
--William L. Schaaf, Nature and History of Pi

According to the Wikipedia,

"March 14, written 3/14 in the USA date format, is the official day
for Pi day derived from the common three-digit approximation for the
number π: 3.14. It is usually celebrated at 1:59 PM (in recognition
of the six-digit approximation: 3.14159). Some, using a twenty-four-
hour clock rather than a twelve hour clock, say that 1:59 PM is
actually 13:59 and celebrate it at 1:59 AM instead. Parties have
been held by mathematics departments of various schools around the
world. This day has been celebrated in a variety of ways. Groups of
people, typically pi clubs, give thought to the role that the number
π has played in their lives and imagine the world without π. During
such an event, pi celebrants may devise alternative values for π,
eat pi (pie), play pi (piñata), or drink pi (piña colada)."

Some view Pi Day more like an excuse to celebrate something
mathematical. But Pi Day does provide a good opportunity for us to
remind ourselves about our long heritage of mathematical culture. So
regardless of how you are going to celebrate Pi Day, if at all, do
be proud of our great mathematical legacy and have a happy Pi Day!


Oh and in addition.. who sez math people are all geeks? Did you
know that Pi is equal to 3.14592653589.. but i digress. Lolz!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=24HwbleM7vY



=)

Johari window

2006-03-04T21:30:00.000-08:00

I'm pretty curious. If this window was apparently invented by two englishmen, why in the world is it called a Johari window? The last johari i met was my 5-tonner driver. But that's beside the point. Well.. help me get to know myself better will ya? At your own risk.. MUAHAHAHAHAH..

Just kidding.

http://kevan.org/johari?name=eugene_the_boogene

If being called a fool is what it takes, then let me be called a fool

2006-03-03T21:58:00.000-08:00

Yeah.. so i havent been posting for quite a while. But that don't mean i don't read your blogs people. Well.. i think my torment will finally end at the end of the month. For better or for worse. So perhaps then i can start posting more coherent stuff rather than simply continuously whining about the tons of work i still have to do. Sorry if i have imposed this on any of my friends. I need to step back out into the light soon. And i will. I think Science is a life not suited for just anybody. These past few months in the lab have been a painful, albeit enlightening, experience. It has made me think a lot more than i would have than if i were to go through as a normal undergraduate just out for a degree. I have realised that the constant cliche about liking what you do is not just that, a cliche, but a pearl of wisdom not evident to the untempered. It has also made me wonder if this would be the path that i take, how long would i be able to mantain on its rocky and barren road? Singapore. Its society and its norms, do not reward those who take the narrow path. Do i still force my way through this thicket, when a straight and broad road beckons at my side? Even now, i feel the peeling away of the layers of morality and idealism. Like the skin of a leper. Even as i try to put these thoughts into words, the numbing of the senses have have moulded attempts at eloquent rhetoric to stuttering incoherence. How i long for the lustful artworks of the Renaissance and the polished wisdom refined through the bastions of truth and goodness and light., the philosophers, protectors of the soul of humankind, ever searching... I feel like a square peg in a round hole, incompatible with its surrouding medium but forced into it anyway. Don't get me wrong, i like science. i love the questions and the search for a simple yet profound answer. i love thinking about the ways the most fundamental enitites of our universe interact and how they might give rise to our reality. i love the poring over of great sources of information, absorbing their wisdom, wondering at the beauty of these works and the genius of the men who presented them to the world. But science, as i know it today, is a banal repetition of procedures and methods, to churn out printing press copies of what the 'authorities' have dared call the 'literature'. Where is the beauty, i ask? The wonder. The excitement. The joy of knowledge. The love of wisdom?? It is dying.. like a flickering flame in the blizzard of self-interest and self-preservation. It saddens me to see the fruits of our labour turned towards selfish interests. I know that there are many kindred spirits out there, who share this view of the world, my teachers, my friends, the random taxi uncle who likes to talk about the gahmen, the cleaning aunty... Education, if not, higher education, has now become more a commodity than a dissemination of knowldge and the refinement of the human spirit. I am disappointed and disillusioned. So many like me. But yet so unlike. How many are willing to fight this, and yet again how many have the means to? If i take up this fight, who will join me?

Time is of the Essence

2006-01-03T08:08:00.000-08:00

Time really moves very quickly. I'm moving furiously too. But i can't seem to catch up with it. It just keeps moving on, and im left alone again. Everytime I think i have reached my destination, another mountain looms before me. Why is my journey so difficult? Did i choose it? I don't know. I just keep walking, hoping for a day i finally see my journey's end. I feel tired, stressed and overwhelmed all at once. But i don't feel sad or dejected. Strangely, I feel pretty much neutral at my predicament, because somehow i think although i'm in difficult times, I know that in the end i will still pull through no matter the odds. Always has been, and always will be. Ah well.. please don't mind me, i'm just rambling..

Anyway! Updates on my life. Life? wad life?

- Now a Changi Hospital veteran. My offer of a guided tour of old Changi is still up for the adventurous! =)

- Will be moving back to hall next sem. Same place. The Penthouse. =)

- Learning how to mix drinks. (not under the influence of alcohol this time)

- Waiting anxiously for crucial samples for me research project ( but you don't really care do you?) =)

- Playing Dota again. (For those not in the know, it means Defense of the Ancients)

- Went for balloon sculpturing course. In which i suck at cos i'm too rough and always burst the balloons. =P

Yupz thats it for now. Hopefully my workload lightens so i can spend more time having fun.

Cheerios!

All the Not So Small Things

2005-11-06T09:02:00.000-08:00

Oops. Time goes by so quickly nowadays i hardly felt it whooshing past me. Its been a month since i last posted (was reminded =P) and two more weeks til exams. I think im built for slogging, though i like to slack, give me something to do and i'll do it, but if there's nothing.. then well.. its slacking time! =) I like to give myself things to do however, for some strange reason, like if i feel life's too slack (can it ever be?? lol), i will throw myself a couple of spanners, just to choke up my smooth running engine a little. Totally weird man.. but for some reason i've got a knack for doing such things. Think i inherited it from my mom. Lolz. Take for example this semester, as if 4 core modules werent enuff, i had to take a urops and an additional independent research project. IN addition, i signed up for science camp main committee as well as DnD comm. Madness, i tell you. Mebbe i just like to fill up my time with stuff. Oh well.. the main consequence of my actions was that im confined to my room and my papers 5/7 days in a week, and the other two at home or at meetings. Quite a mess i've got myself into huh. But then no worries. I'm still here, alive and kicking. And i tell myself that nothing lasts forever, even cold november rain. Oops i couldnt resist that. =P

Heh.. all that blather is a result of a terrbily stressed mind. Lolz. But well.. all work and no play blah blah blah. But as usual, ive had my fun. Went for a recce at old changi hospital on thursday as part of the sci camp fright night (who else better to be the director rite? =P) For those who have never been there, i can only confirm the rumours you have heard about the place. It is VERY bad. For one thing, it is HUGE. The complex is probably the size of Med faculty, complete with pitch dark toilets, winding stairwells, long narrow corridors, many many doors, rooms under the stairs, abandoned lift shafts, septic tanks, Resident Evil kitchen and laboratory scenes, enough to shoot a full scale horror movie. And there was the smell. When i first went in in the afternoon, the feeling i got was bad enough, the air was stuffy and constrictive, and there was this really heavy silence, no insect sounds, actually come to think of it, i dont recall seeing even ants or lizards which are typical in most buildings, even abandoned ones. Some places were so dark, even in the day, we (i went in with a couple of guys) couldnt see without a torch. I went in again at night, and it was naturally worse. Fortunately though i already explored much of the area in the day, so there was less probing around hidden corners, opening cupboards and kicking doors open (some were locked lah). The places of note (ie the creepiest spots) were the dispensary, which felt super claustrophobic for some strange reason, the kitchen (of Resident Evil fame), and the surgery room, which embodied the essence of the atmosphere of a horror movie. Dark, creepy, and full of hidden corners. Unfortunately (or fortunately) we werent able to find the mortuary, so that's one less tourist attraction on our tour. Actually come to think of it, i think i can be tour guide for old cgh liaoz. Heh. Next class outing? (Just kidding!! =) ) Yepz. But i think my fright night will be the best ever held in NUS (mebbe in singapore ah. Oh and some say batam.). No doubt about that. =)

Well then, its back to work for me. I'll be buried in work for the next month or so, but feel free to contact me if you need, it puts colour in my otherwise colourless life. =)

Leap of Faith

2005-10-05T10:38:00.000-07:00

There will always come a point in one's life that choices have to be made. Me? I'm really bad at making snap decisions, and will often prolong the time which i have to make a decision as long as i possibly can. Why? Possibly because i'm not exactly a risk taker, or either my rationality usually overrides my ability to take risks. Quite often, I find myself taking the most irrational of risks. And that is when i tell myself to forget thinking and just do it. Sometimes the results are good, sometimes not so good. But some choices are really so hard to make. Should i leave it to the laws of quantum physics? Or should i make a rational decision? But i think now i will take a leap of faith. Forget about rationality or chance. If i don't drown in the process, at least i would have learnt how to swim.

This time i will try.

Fighter in the Wind

2005-09-18T08:27:00.000-07:00

I recently watched a really good show called "Fighter in the wind". Its about this guy who became the greatest fighter in the whole of Japan. It showed the trials, tribulations and humiliations he had to endure, as well as the amount of self-discipline and training he to go through in order to fulfil his dream. It made me think about my own life, whether i had lived it to the best of my ability. Truth is, i really don't know. I think quite of lot of events and happenings have moulded me to the person i am now. Whether good or bad, i can't perceive for myself. All i know is that if i keep walking, and keep fighting, in the end i will know the answer. I just wish i have someone to guide me along my path, to teach me more, and to keep me from going astray. All my life i've been walking alone, with only my will and God's grace to guide me.

But I must still go on. To become stronger. And better. I want to be the best. My friends.. thank you for always being there. Although our paths may differ, as long as our friendship is strong, there is nothing we cannot overcome. I wish you all the best in your respective fields, and i hope to see you all at the top in the end.

P.S To Wenyi: Thanks for the card rex. Pretty cool stuff. I'm all on for europe, though money might be an issue.

P.S.S To Chenhong: Glad to hear you're having a great time over in LA. Carpe dieme dude!

Save the Chatterboxes

2005-09-07T05:54:00.000-07:00

I have recently received an email from flooble saying they will close my tagboard coz it has fallen into disuse and disrepair. In order to prevent its imminent annihilation by the evil bureaucrats, I decided to set up an online petition service to save the chatterboxes. All you need to do is to drop me a note every once in a while. Of course, money is also welcome! =) Please kindly deposit any donations in cash, check or bank draft made out in name to Mr Koh Youwei Eugene. Transactions secured through Western Union or Paypal are equally fine. Thank you for you generous support.

Sincerely,

The talkingorange team.

When it Rains it Pours

2005-09-04T09:21:00.000-07:00

For some very strange reason, i cant seem to concentrate. And for an even stranger reason, it ALWAYS happens at this time of year.. Why? I don't really know myself. I know for certain i have quite of lot of things to accomplish, both at present and in the future, but i cant seem to be able to settle down on doing them. My brain seems to be locked in some sort of permanant tangle and my frown doesnt seem to want to leave my forehead. Most peculiar.. and im also strangely more irritable than usual (yes yes.. wadever).

Maybe its because i dont have any foreseeable deadlines? I'm wondering if that's it? That if i've no work, or no urgent work to do, den i feel.. empty? Hmm.. interesting.. But i DO have deadlines to meet, though not that soon. But it seems that these deadlines are somewhat inconsequential? Its a funny thing.. I wonder..

Well.. usually i don't speak aloud my thoughts like this but im quite at a loss as to wad exactly might be happening here, especially since they seem to be a recurring phenomenon. Well.. maybe someone out there might be able to solve this mystery for me, so hopefully i wont have to plagued by this nonsense again.

On a brighter note, I've been getting on quite well at hall... surprisingly i have no problems waking up in the mornings. But the problem is i usually drop back off to sleep or am too lazy to go for the 8am lectures. Heh. And i oso realised one of my friends actually lives on the same level as me! The view from my room is quite good, considering i live on the top floor. I like to call my place the penthouse. It comes attached with balcony, pantry and laundry room. Really not bad! AND it has it own swimming pool, gym, badminton, basketball and tennis courts, rock walls and soccer field. Not bad at all! =))) Oh.. and ive got myself another tuition job that pays $50 an hour!! Woohoo! Well.. it really does seems i have all the luck huh. No complaints there! =)

Haha.. and for those who managed to get through all that blather at the top, here's a poem from yours truly! =)

My mind is in a whirl
My vision strangely fogged
My pulse starts aracing
My logic all but clogged
Though i close the windows
It comes in through the doors
Not a trickle, not a drop
But when it rains it pours.

I Feel Good!

2005-08-10T03:13:00.000-07:00

Heh.. sorry i havent really been updating that regularly.. but its been a really busy time for me. No, no girls involved. Hmm.. but come to think of it.. actually quite a few lah.. HEH! But before you get the wrong idea.. its just plain ole simple orientation. Yes yes.. i don't grow up.. but i really think orientations camps are really fun. For some reason i kinda like doing all that dumb stuff that is so common at such camps. And perhaps i like being around people too. The craziest thing that i kinda went for the camp while i was in the middle (nearing the end actually) of my attachment at Hopkins. The power of strategic planning and exquisite time management! =)

It WAS quite mad.. waking up at 0730 to collect breakfast for the freshies, den catching the 0800 bus for Biopolis. Do experiment til late afternoon, rush back to school to play games, go back to lab at night to continue experiment, finish after midnight, walk back to school coz no bus, join OG again, talk cock/do rag til 5-6am. Rinse and repeat. Truly madness. But fun. =)

Man.. what a rant! But theres more!!

Science won the Chancellor's Shield!!!!!! After all the blood, sweat toil and tears, we finally did it. Bizad had traditionally won the Shield most frequently, thanks to their most excellent flagging techniques. However, we, the family that is Science, managed to outdo them in other areas this year. The floats were closely matched, though i liked theirs better. (Aiyah.. forever a retro freak) but our Rag dance was AWESOME!! The choreographing of the dance was down to a split second perfection! Okie okie.. maybe im a little biased but i was utterly impressed!! I know how much effort was being put into this year's rag and flag, so I was really overjoyed when our efforts did not go to waste. (P.S For a more coherent description of rag day (tho not totally unbiased. please visit wendy's blog at http://diamondbutterfly.blogspot.com) =)

Anyway.. another thing to inform ya'll.. i am currently attached..

...to Extension Block A, Ridge View Residences, Room 803. So do pop by if you have the time. =)

Cheerios!!

The Sailing Ship

2005-07-30T19:48:00.000-07:00

The Sailing Ship

In uncharted waters i choose to sail
Leaving the world behind
Onwards and ahead i sail full steam
Uncertainty only i do find
Though others do i see beside me
not long do they last
For like an illusion and a dream
they become what is past
I sail ahead to an uncertain shore
though storms and tempests bestall me
for time and destiny compel me ever forward
to a future where i might be free.

- eugene

2005-07-24T18:48:00.000-07:00

Financial statement for 22/07/05 to 24/07/05

For 22/07/05

Gross income: $0/-

Gross expenditure breakdown:

Dinner at Scotts Food court (Beef noodles + Coke) : $4.30/-
Karaoke Session at Kbox : $29/-
Supper at Chomp Chomp (Oyster egg, Fried carrot cake, satay, sugar cane juice(large) ) :$11/-

Net Expenditure: $44.30/-

For 23/07/05

Gross income: $0/-

Gross expenditure breakdown

Dinner at East Coast Lagoon Hawker Centre consisting of:

Oyster egg (again) : $8/- (after subsidy: $5/-)
1 chicken wing : $1/-
7 1/2 satay: $3/-
Rex Power Mee Goreng: $3/-
Bubur Cha Cha (Cold): $2/- (Think i owe someone money here, dunno who)
McDonald's Ice Cream Cone: $0.50/-

Net expenditure: $17.50/-

For 24/07/05

Oyster egg (AGAIN!!) : Mum paid, so no count. =)
Dinner Fish & Co. Fish and Chips: $13.90
Service charge + GST: $1.80/-

Net Expenditure: $15.70/-

Total Gross Income: $0/-

Total Net Expenditure: $77.50/-

Total Net Income: -$77.50

Financial Forecast for 3rd Quarter 2005:

It doesnt look good for the poor boy from Bedok, but rest assured he will do wad he can to survive. Donations of peanuts would be most welcome!! =)

Veritas

2005-07-24T10:16:00.000-07:00

The end of innocence is the beginning of wisdom.

The Real McCoy

2005-07-24T09:54:00.000-07:00

You to me are Everything

I would take the stars out of the sky for you
Stop the rain from falling if you ask me to
I'd do anything for you
Your wish is my command
I could move a mountain when your hand is in my hand

Words cannot express how much you mean to me
There must be some other way to make you see
If it takes my heart and soul
You know I'll pay the price
Everything that i possess
I'd gladly sacrifice

You to me are everything
The sweetest song that I could sing
Oh baby.. oh baby..
To you i guess i'm just a clown
who picks you up each time you're down
Oh baby.. oh baby..
You give me just a taste of love to build my hopes upon
You know you've got the power girl to keep me holding on

Now you've got the best of me
Come on and take the rest of me
Oh baby..oh baby..

Odd, Even and Fractal Halves

2005-07-18T00:02:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: Boring stuff ahead. Read at your own risk.

Dun worry. This post is not on math. My math isn't qualified enough to post on. Its on an interesting observation i made while playing the LOTR risk game with some of the guys at Minds cafe on Friday. Given the normal rules of Risk, where the objective is to garner as much army and land as possbile, and also to kill peanut of course, LOTR Risk is rather different. I'll try to explain the rules a little more concisely for those who have not played before.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rule 1: There are 4 players, 2 good and 2 evil.

Rule 2: Standard engagement rules of Risk are applied.

Rule 3: The One Ring moves from the Shire to Mount Doom on a definite path.

Rule 4: Good wins when the ring reaches Mount Doom. Evil wins when the ring is discovered in the land they control.

Subrule 4a: When the ring is in a land controlled by the evil side, they get to roll 2 dice. If the point of the roll is 12 or more (double sixes), the ring is discovered.

Subrule 4b: Certain conditions allow additional points to be included in the die roll, so a die roll of 12 or more is more possbile to achieve.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Alright then, the purpose of my boring you with these details was to show the huge number of variables present in the game, which makes it highly complex. Indeed, in addition to human variables as well, it is hugely complex. However, what i observed was that although the game was so complex, it was resolved in an extremely simplistic way due to time constraint. Good and evil rolled dice, and the larger number would win.

The interesting thing was not exactly the observation that a complex problem like that could be reduced to such a simple resolution, but the fact that this resolution would actually hold, no matter how many of such games were played. The winning or losing of the game is very simply based on your die roll being larger or smaller than your opponents. The many variables introduced in the game simply provide additional dimensions, not full dimensions, but fractal dimensions to the fundamental rolling of dice. The game is still won or lost by the score of the dice roll, but certain conditions allow additional points to be added to the roll.

I found this observation to be hugely similar to the idea (and observation) of recursive patterns and fractal theory. The occurence of these observations in nature are now reflected in a normal board game. This is not to say that scientific observations have not been garnered from board games, contrarily there has been a lot of research on board games. However, based on my very rudimentary knowledge of game theory, so far probabilty theory seems to be the driving component of game theory. I think the incorporation of fractal theory in the study of board games would prove to be in order for a better understanding of complex systems.

Status Quo

2005-07-17T23:48:00.000-07:00

"The status quo will not do"

- Mr Khaw Boon Wan, Minister of Health

He said this when Mr Durai consulted him on the course of action of NKF in the wake of the recent public outcry. Considering that this was the only recorded statement from Mr Khaw, it must mean something, or represent something of importance. However, try as i might, i am unable to decipher the message. I don't want to make any assumptions, but i think it ties in very well with the various statements reported by Durai, Mrs GCT, and Mrs Ho. Indeed, the status quo will not do. Bye bye Durai. You're out.

Close Encounters of the Turd Kind

2005-07-12T20:59:00.000-07:00

I am absolutely infuriated. I am so mad i feel like chopping his balls off and stomping on them. I am absolutely appalled at the sheer greed and arrogance of this man. If he can even be called one.

-open excerpt-

Mr Singh asked: 'The man who earns $1,000 a month who donates $50... every month thinking that it is going to save lives, should they not know that that is the kind of money you earn?' Replied Mr Durai: 'I don't see the need for him to know.'

-end excerpt-

WHAT!?!? You arrogant turd! You insolent lump of crap!! You are not only a pile of shit in a puddle of piss. You are a mountain of constipated faeces in an ocean of undiluted urine!!!

I hate it when Man rears his ugly head. It makes me feel that humans are hopeless. It makes me feel helpless and very angry. I hope that he realises the wrong of his actions, words and intentions. But i also hope that people, the public, do not get discouraged by the happenstance of one black sheep, and continue be open to the needs of others, less fortunate or no.

War and Peace

2005-07-10T23:46:00.000-07:00

Unfortunately, I haven't read the book.

Fortunately, this post is not about the book.

Its about a retreat/camp i went to during the weekend. It was supposed to be some kind of spiritual soul searching thingy which is so characteristic of these religious camps. Well then.. supposed to be huh. Well, perhaps i was the exception, cause while everyone else was fervently in prayer and reflection, i was trying very hard not to lose consciousness. Fortunately, i succeeded. Unfortunately, i couldn't differentiate the periods which i did. SO. It ended with me not doing much of soul searching. But i did have a lot of fun tho, which was the primary reason for me not being able to stay conscious. No, no alcohol. Religious affair man! =P

Wad happened was that the camp did not have a compulsory stay in policy, so it ended up with everyone deciding not to stay the night except for myself and another person. Also, the chalet we booked was one of those Changi colonial chalets, which are humongous! Their toilets are like the size of my bedroom and they have one toilet for every bedroom!! They have like 8 bedrooms altogether by the way. So it was one huge mansion just for the two of us. Fun huh? Well. Unfortunately, the other person was a guy. Fortunately, he happened to know a bunch of orienation campers who were having their orientation next door. So, it ended up with me having an extremely good time with a bunch of strangers (now friends) talking cock and an all-night bridge session! =)))

Is there any situation more chaotic than war? No? Yes, there is. Sitting in a Nissan March with 4 other generously sized middle aged women travelling at an average of 30km/h from Changi to Bedok, with all of them shouting (quite loudly, I might add) directions (not all correct, I might add) to the driver (not very sober, I might add). Never again, I rather walk next time.

On the Nature of Relativity and the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle

2005-07-05T20:16:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: You choose to read the below post at the risk of your own sanity. ie. its pretty boring for the uninitiated.

I was walking down the road yesterday when i was thinking about the phenomenon of why it always seems that there are more people travelling in the opposite direction of myself than traveling in the same direction, even given that the equal distribution of people within the area. For those who know me better, i probably did mention my little hypothesis that the reason for this was becoz the people coming towards me in the opposite direction were doing so at an increasing rate due to the addition of relative velocities. So alternately there would seem to be relatively fewer people travelling on the same road as me.

Then i thought about the nature of acceleration, which in the theory of relativity is equatable to gravitation. However, i decided to use a simpler view. If something is moving away or towards you at an increasing rate, it means that that thing is accelerating relative to you. For those who are familiar with relativity, you would know the idea of frames, and each object would possess its own individual frame of spacetime. So, based on the above analogy of people walking on the street, it would be easy for me to perceive the people coming towards me, but a little more difficult to perceive people moving away from me. This is because, as i mentioned earlier, the rate of people moving towards me is greater. This is pretty similar to observing anything else in the universe. One sees something better when it comes towards you. (I might be assuming a little here, cos im kinda basing on my five senses).

Here's the tricky part. One would be able to observe these people moving towards and away from you but find it difficult to predict the speed of which they are traveling unless one specifies an instant. Also, it would be difficult to specify their absolute position if they were continuously moving. Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle states exactly these exactly this phenomenon in a nutshell, that one cannot tell accurately both the momentum and position of a particle. The problem here is because there is no absolute frame of reference, and everything travels relative to each other. However, as i mentioned earlier, it is often easier to see people moving towards yourself.

Hence, what i am postulating is the the Uncertainty Principle does hold for most cases, in which one cannot ascertain both speed and position of a particular particle, but this is due to the fact that this particle is moving with respect to you. However, it is possible, though extremely rare, that one finds a particle moving at exactly the same speed in the same direction as oneself. Take into consideration the the role of the observer as well, it is usually due to the fact that the observer is counted as a stationary frame that one always observes the maintenence of the Principle. However, if it might be possible that identical velocities could be obtained for all frames (to be observed), one would be able to ascertain the postion of the object of interest, hence breaching the Uncertainty Principle. (I don't know if the opposite is possible, ie same position to infer velocity)

Yupz, that's it, just had to get it off my chest. =)

Hope, Beauty, Truth and Love

2005-07-03T18:29:00.000-07:00

The yatch party on Sat was a blast!! Kudos to rex and his very rich friend for organising it. =) That being said, i must thank and apologise to chenhong for puking in his brand new car but still getting me home in the end. Lolz! But that was some party huh. Felt like i was in Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous. Spent sunday morning atoning for my sins. heh. Slight hangover, though not as bad as my previous one, think mr liver must be getting quite used to it.

Funny enough, i'm strangely clear headed when im drunk, although walking straight seems to be a problem. Like the eye of the storm, calm while the rest of the world spins around you. Sorry.. couldnt avoid that poetic reference. =) I'm waiting for updates on wad an ass i made of myself at the party. Thanks very much to my own concoction, which i think against the grain of cool names which such alcoholic concoctions are usually called, i decided to christian it with a name with more symbolic meaning. My creation: Hope, Beauty, Truth and Love.

Recipe:

1/6 tequila.
1/6 absolut mandarin
1/6 tonic water
1/2 ribena

Tequila is hope, which is sweet yet strong. It is a testament to the desert cactus from which it is made, which thrives in such harsh conditions, but the product of which is ever so sweet.

Vodka is beauty, which is the most intoxicating of all. It is harsh, yet it warms the spirit. Its clarity belies its hidden strength. The flavour of mandarins is the character of beauty, parches you and leaves you wanting more.

Tonic water is truth, which is bittersweet. It does not taste good on its own, ever needing the other elements of the mixture to soften its bite.

Ribena is love, which is all pervading. It gives colour to the other elements and accentuates their flavour, but at the same time providing its own unique flavour over the others. Love is what completes the mixture and makes it whole.

Heaven Knows

2005-06-29T18:15:00.000-07:00

She's always on my mind..
From the time i wake up til i close my eyes..
She's everywhere i go, she's all i know..
Tho' she's so far away, it just keeps getting stronger everyday
And even now she's gone, i'm still holding on..
So tell me where do i start, cos its breaking my heart..
Why does it hurt me so?

Maybe my love will come back someday
Only heaven knows..
Maybe our hearts will find their way
But only heaven knows..
And all i can do is hope and pray..
Cos heaven knows.

My friends keep telling me
that if you really love her, you've gotta set her free.
And if she returns in kind, i'll know she's mine
So tell me where do i start, cos its breaking my heart
I don't wanna let her go..

Maybe my love will come back someday
Only heaven knows..
Maybe our hearts will find their way
But only heaven knows..
And all i can do is hope and pray..
Cos heaven knows.

Why i live in despair
Wide awake or dreaming now that she's never there
All the time i act so brave i'm shaking inside
Why does it hurt me so?

Maybe my love will come back someday
Only heaven knows..
Maybe our hearts will find their way
But only heaven knows..
And all i can do is hope and pray..
Cos heaven knows.

Heaven knows..

Sophie's Brave New World of 1984

2005-06-28T18:33:00.000-07:00

Well!

Due to the recent deluge of work (AND dota), i've been too distracted to post for the past few days. But I must say that one of the perks of being in academia is that you are pretty much free to engage in whatever intellectual pursuits you wish. Which brings me to the title above. Between all the experiments and Nature articles, I actually managed to squeeze in enough time to read these 3 most excellent novels which ive always wanted to read but i couldnt find an excuse to. Heh. Anywayz, if i have anything to say about these books, its that its heck of a kick to chow on them one after the other. Sophie's world you gotta read it separately, but Orwell and Huxley can be taken together, which feels like a Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster, leaves you unconscious but wanting more.

Which brings me to the very sad state of affairs that aptly describes the mangling of Douglas Adam's most prolific work. (At least i like to think so =)). The movie was horrendous. Granted that yes, i got it for cheap at a most professional DVD shop across the causeway, but it was heart wrenching to watch a book i practically grew up with (and to) being reduced to the state of Suzhou Industrial Park. Sigh. If anyone wants to borrow my Guide, feel free to drop me a mail, you'll see wad i mean. Even Vogon poetry is better.

Yes, and i just realised that i can send photos to my computer using my phone. But i don't know how. If anyone can show me, I would be utmostly grateful.

When Hurt and Pain Collide

2005-06-21T22:11:00.000-07:00

Total injuries: 6

Injury detail:

Scraped knee X 1
Bruised head X 1
Aching shoulders X 2
Back sprain X 1
Stiff neck X 1

Man.. I think im getting old. Took part in the orientation yesterday and ended up not wanting to wake up today. And as a point of information, it is bloody difficult to perform experiments (what i do at work) with aching shoulders and a sprained back. The bruise i got on my head was the result of the dumbest thing i've done in my life. I was supposed to tumble out of a doorway as part of my ghost act, but i pulled my hood too low and thus i couldnt see shit. AND i charged HEADLONG INTO THE BLOODY DOOR! Not direct impact, in which case i would have ended up with a concussion and a night in A&E. Luckily it was a glancing header, well make that a diving glacing header to be exact.

Oh.. and as i promised.

An excerpt from "Howling, Wailing, Screaming and other associated arias"

When attempting your first wail (or scream or howl), remember to:

Take a deep breath
Picture in your mind'e eye how you would like your scream (or wail or howl) to turn out
Open your epiglottis (flap of skin in throat to ensure maximum projection (its quite similar to the turbo system in cars)
Scream (or howl or wail) as loud as you can

Once you have mastered the basics, refining the howl (or scream or wail) is the next step towards becoming an expert ghost. Tonal and facial control is the order of the day.

A good scream (or wail or howl) is a single unbroken note (not like a yamseng, which is two notes)
Empahsise the quality of the scream (or wail or howl) over quantity, meaning a good loud but not extended wail is preferred over an overextended one which would make you sound like an athsmatic ghost. An exception occurs if you have lungs like Celine Dion's, in which case please do go ahead.
Your facial expression must reflect the essence of the scream (or wail or howl), meaning if you have any look other than that of a tortured soul, you are probably not trying hard enough.

And lastly, an effective scream (or wail or howl), won't be of much use if one is unable to mantain it for a suitably long period of time. It is recommended thus that one follows these tips:

Drink sips of water after every 5 or so screams (or howls or wails)
Do not drink TOO much water, as huanted houses are not known for their latrine facilities
Pack a Mentos for effective throat relief

-end excerpt-

Decisions decisions

2005-06-20T22:58:00.000-07:00

Heya all!

Been thinking about the theme of my blog. Should i make it a socio-politico-philosophico-historico-scientifico type of thingy, which would bore you, or should I simply describe my oh so uneventful life, which would REALLY bore you. Heh.. decisions decisions. Anyway i'm still trying to get the hang of things.. like HOW THE HELL DO U EDIT THE DAMN TEMPLATE!!?!?! I'm trying to get this html thingy. Managed to do a few simple things like adding links and traffic counter. Still learning..lolz! AND WHY DOESNT MY TAG BOARD WORK!?!? Bah humbug.

Yeah anyway.. i'll be popping by sentosa later. Hmm.. but by the time anyone reads this, i'd have popped by there already. Man.. Damn these space-time anomalies. Okie then.. suffice to say that that i would have popped by sentosa by the time the day is through. I'll be dressed in black robes and hiding behind doors waiting to scare the little freshies. Heh.. now that's fun! Apparently i was such an effective ghost the previous orientation that the camp com requested an encore performance. Lolz!

Alrighty then.. back to work now. watch this space for the following:

7 Habits of Highly Effective Ghosts
The Fear Factor
Howling, Screaming, Wailing and other associated arias

Blogtard Begins

2005-06-19T19:48:00.000-07:00

Heya all!

Due to popular, or unpopular, demand (heh), I finally decided to start a normal blog like all you normal people out there who are complaining i'm abnormal coz i dun have a normal blog like all you normal people. So there, I'm offically normal. That's not to say i'm not normally normal, but normally i'm pretty non-normal by normal standards. Normally people think i'm not normal becoz normal people do normal things like wriing in normal blogs, and it is usually considered non-normal for a normal person not to have a normal blog like other normal people. However, I just decided to start a normal blog like the rest of you normal people, although it would be seen by you normal people that it would not be normal for me who would normally not be normal enough to start a normal blog.

Heh.. had enuff? Jokes aside yeah.. this is for you people who have been so curiously curious about the curiousest of things. Me.